perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if my jaw was wired shut for a while…

i realized a bit ago, listening to a phone conversation between one of my older siblings and my mother, that one of the many skills i have lost command of is having a good, solid two-sided conversation.

it isn’t just a poor grasp of active listening skills – i worked on that last spring semester during a class where listening was one of the most of the most important elements for crafting performances . i think it is maybe a lack of understanding of what kind of things are, not so much appropriate, but (perhaps) of interest to another conversant. seriously: for a person who is aware they talk far too much about themselves, and truly feels guilty talking about herself [because i always feel like a) i say the wrong, and or completely ludicrous things, and b) frankly, i prefer the look of my words to sound of my voice], i seem to be unable to stop talking about myself. even when there’s nobody but the car to listen.

i decided not so long ago that perhaps my poorly controlled talking relates to these facts:

• my mother, the writer, talks, most all the time—and nobody but me ever seems to mind (not that i always do)

• and of course my father, the minister, always seemed to be the authority on most everything when i was growing up

• and, being child 3 of 4, the older two(enough older than myself to make almost a different set of children) were enough older to be considered “the big” kids; they were the grown-up children and therefore their input often seemed somewhat more valid, or at least valued

• and, the youngest, a good deal younger than the rest of us, was so cute, and happens to be such a genius, that on the rare occasions the baby of the family has something to say to us all, people listen.

it’s strange. the age gaps in our family make me a youngest, middle, oldest, and only, depending on who is around at the time. in-laws fill it in, at least -- with all 7 of us kids/partners together, the 2,2,2,5,3,4 year age differences, bulk up the 18 year age span between kiddos one and four. my poor parents: parents at 22 first and 41 last...crazy. not unlike that tangent? i think the point of this part was, aside from whining, which i immediately dislike myself for doing, to suggest that 28 years of struggling to get a word in edgewise when there are at least 3 of our growing brood together, could have something to do with my incessant need to talk about what i think, feel, want, and have experienced, whenever a non-family member is in the room.

it isn’t that i don’t care what other people have to say, or that i’m not interested in my friends and colleagues. it’s that i seem to lack that sense of balance (an on-going theme in my life) of how to converse. so please, i know i sometimes shut-down, or feel sulky, when people talk over me, but don’t forget to remind me that it’s important for me to let you talk, so i’ll know you better, and understand our commonalities (and differences). despite what my niece tries to teach everyone, “shut up” isn’t always such a bad thing to say.

at least not to me.